Terrible Moments in Taglining

"Putting the tea back in terror."

If this movie is putting the tea back, that would suggest there was a time when tea was ubiquitous in horror movies, as some kind of fixture or genre trope. Then filmmakers turned away from tea, perhaps dabbling in coffee or even pop. But now these guys are going back to horror's roots, and infusing their nazi zombie movie with a strong peppermint.

Terrible Moments in Taglining

"Evil is only skin deep."

So we've got nothing to worry about from this guy.

Terrible Moments in Taglining

"You are her last hope."

Her last hope would suggest she had other, better hopes. Since those didn't pan out, she's now reduced to relying on you. And what do you have to offer? Nothing! Because you're not qualified to engage in the pursuit and apprehension of a kidnapper.

A much better tagline would be "You are her only hope" because you're the only one who knows where she is right at this moment, and the qualifier makes no reference to your glaring lack of skill in dealing with this particular type of situation.

Terrible Moments in Taglining

"The creature in the shadows...  The demon in your nightmares... The deformed madman... He's real... And he's coming for you..."

Pink eye is a relatively common infection that's easily treated and resolved, so you might want to rethink naming your villain after a malady most often seen at summer camp.  But if you're determined to name your bad guy after medical condition and/or body part, you should probably keep flipping through the medical dictionary until you find something really exotic-sounding.  Like necrotizing facsiitis or anarchic hand.

But that's beside the point.

The deformed madman?  Creatures lurking in shadows, I get.  Demons from my nightmares, sure.  But who fantasizes about deformed madmen?  And what's the deal with the ellipses?  "And he's coming for you..." It's open-ended.  Anything can happen once he arrives at my place.  He could hack me to pieces--as deformed madmen are wont to do, I'm sure--or we could watch X-Files together.  Maybe the Krycek episodes.  That was a good arc.

Terrible Moments in Taglining

"The day they arrived two billion people experienced a synapses implosion and died instantly.  They were the lucky ones."

In order to properly intimate how bad it is for those who didn't die, those who did should have suffered horribly.  A synapse implosion sounds pretty awful (and impossible), but since death by such means is instantaneous, it kind of doesn't seem so bad.

Terrible Moments in Taglining

"You can't run from evil when it lives next door."

As a matter of fact, you can.  If the evil were in your house, then no, probably you couldn't run from it.  But there are walls and rights-of-way and zoning bylaws separating you from the evil on the adjoining lot.

Terrible Moments in Taglining

"For years the wooded mountains have been the setting for many myths, horror and ghost stories told one generation to the next on camping trips.  Only, what no one ever thought to consider was, what if there was someone in those woods worse than myth imaginable?"

Firstly, that's a tag-paragraph.  Secondly, it's badly written. I won't bother with the technicalities, the copy speaks for itself.  "Worse than myth imaginable"?

Check this out: "What if those campfire ghost stories were true?"

My services are for hire.

Terrible Moments in Taglining

"Christine Brown has good job, a great boyfriend, and a bright future.  But in three days she's going to hell."

That's not a tag line.  That's a plot summary.

Terrible Moments in Taglining

"Evil will do anything to live."

If evil is not "alive" then what threat does it pose?  And if evil can create itself into being, willing itself alive, what hope do we have of stopping it?  The answer to both questions is none.  There is no threat, no hope, and no point to this film.

Terrible Moments in Taglining

"He should never have been born..."

Technically, he was laid.

Terrible Moments in Taglining

Movie posters are advertisement, plain and simple.  They gotta grab your attention and tell you just enough about the plot to peak your interest just a picture and some lines of text.  Sometimes it works out perfectly.  Other times, not so much.

Humpty Dumpty

The Unborn

Drag Me to Hell

Bind

Fright Night (2011)

Bane
Pink Eye
Amber Alert
Laid to Rest 2