Not counting all of the terrible movies I watched for the Loonie Movies segment on TheAvod, here are my best and worst for this past year. Bear in mind this list represents movies from 2013 and years previous; over the past twelve months, I've watched and remembered these titles for one reason or another.
Date night: The Loved Ones
Australian love story about a girl who kidnaps and tortures her crush.
Deal breaker: Silent Hill: Revelation
What kind of horror movie ends with the hero and the villain hugging it out?
In the future, when hell demons rule the earth, only one part-man and his friends, can save the world.
Contemporary-derivative: The Asylum Tapes (Greystone Park)
You'd expect the son of a talented filmmaker would himself be a talented filmmaker. Or would have the good sense to ask his dad to read over the "script."
He he. Yeah: Fast & Furious 6
The F&F franchise finally hits its stride with number six.
Tch. Ugh: Sharknado
The best thing about this movie was the fallout: a series of increasingly ridiculous movie posters that married sharks with natural disasters.
The. Science. Is. Sound.
I can't wait for the next one: The American Scream
Documentary about home-made haunted houses. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you won't believe it was made by the kid from Troll 2.
I weep for the future: Smiley
Douchebags attempt to create and urban legend. They negate their own efforts and the movie makes a strong argument for magic.
Good bet: Safe
The opening five minutes should be mandatory study material for film students.
No bet: Alex Cross
The entire film is in object lesson in how not to make a movie.
Seconds please: Sushi Girl
Mark Hammil delivers a tour-de-force performance in this tense film about a dinner party-cum-interrogation session. Watch for Danny Trejo's cameo: Best. Line. Ever.
Don't hit that: Evil Bong
Far from being a morality play about the perils of drug use (BC bud saves the day), Evil Bong will still harsh your mellow.
OMG: Pacific Rim
Mecha vs monster; it's no more and no less what you want from a movie about giant robots fighting giant monsters.
WTF: Bryan Loves You
A man infiltrates a cult and spends half the movie in a mental hospital. And not the good half, either. The film is introduced by Tony Todd, for no reason.
Pointed: Big Bad Wolves
From the guys that brought us Rabies (Kalevet) comes this black comedy that's heavy on torture. Two men interrogate a suspected child-killer. The violence will leave you speechless. As will the ending.
Pointless: Evil Dead
Despite being a wall-to-wall gorefest, this remake misses out on everything that made the original such a hit. AND no one gets their hand chainsawed. Not even once. Even though that happens in the second one. Still, the movie created a perfect opportunity for chainsaw amputation and it didn't happen. Electric knife, sure. Chainsaw, nope. How do you screw that up?
Code Black: Frankenstein's Army
A Russian platoon stumbles upon a Nazi scientist's lab where he's building monsters. It's equal parts fun and amazing.
Code Blue: The Frankenstein Theory
A "scientific" expedition to northern Canada in search of Frankenstein's monster culminates in the discovery of Frankenstein's monster. It's equal parts stupid and disappointing.
Equal parts genius and ridiculous.
Honourable mention: Escape From Tomorrow
Praiseworthy only because it was filmed on the sly at Disney. What little story there is, is extremely difficult to understand.