Marked For Death

In an effort to take my mind off something that was bothering me, I turned on Marked For Death.  And if just in case Steven Seagal didn't prove enough of a distraction, I thought I might task-load by writing my real-time impressions of the film:

I’m sure there’s a reason why I have this movie, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is.

Oh Steven Seagal, you were once so fit.  And tall.  That ponytail, however, never did you any favours.

Omigod, is that Danny Trejo?  I think it is.  And Steven Seagal is kicking his ass!  This movie just improved exponentially, and I’m only two minutes in.

I’m gonna pause it while I brush my teeth.  This was a tough decision to make.

There’s a character named Salazar?  I’m now inclined to believe that Charlie’s Angels was referencing this movie.



Oh, you do not point a gun and/or a sword at Steven Seagal.  And now you’re dead.

“I have become what I most despise.” Thanks, Steve.

And he drives a badass mustang to go with his badass attitude.

I suspect his sister will die.  Or be in danger of dying.  Just a feeling.

For real, he still has his room at his parents’ house?  Or is this his sister’s house.  I’m confused.  But I guess it doesn’t really matter.  The point is he’s home for a “rest”.  Which I suspect won’t prove to be all that restful.

Oh I see where this is going.  Drug dealers at the high school, and Steve is DEA, so this must mean he's gonna take on the local drug ring.  Fuck me, I’m brilliant.

Even better, it’s a drug turf war!  Jamaicans and Columbians.

Wha? Now we’ve got a witchcraft angle?  She’s gonna curse the Jamaican drug lord?

I think I remembered why I got this movie: Keith David.  Or possibly that jacket Steve is wearing.

Keith David’s got a real problem with the drug dealers.  It’s personal.  This doesn’t bode well for the plot.

Holy crap, it’s a shoot-out.  This turf war just blew up.  And Steve is right in the thick of things.

Since when is a Chicago suburb “small town America”?  That was a very on-point news broadcast.  Just in case I wasn't paying attention, I now have all the information I need.

Hellooooo love interest!  Blonde and smart to boot.

Well that was fast.  The Jamaicans somehow tracked down the witch and killed her.  I guess that’s the end of that subplot.  Easy come, easy go.

A drug lab in the basement of a nightclub?  For real?

That was a right purdy speech, Steve, but didn’t make a lick of sense.  Something about minding your own business…

Christ, the Jamaicans just shot up Steve’s sister’s house.  And nailed her daughter. These guys mean business.

Now it’s personal. Mad face!!

This Screwface character must be a real mother if this dude would rather kill himself than take Steve to meet him.  Also, his name is Screwface.

I’m pretty sure I saw this same warehouse space in a Kids in the Hall sketch.  You know, the one where David Foley plays a hitman hired to kill himself.

The Jamaicans have marked Steve’s family.  Marked them…for death!

Sister’s in danger.  Totally called it!  Will Steve get there in time?  Will he?!?

“It’s not your body we want.  It’s your dreams.”  Note to self, steal this line.

Why am I hungry?  Dinner wasn’t that long ago.

Obligatory car chase time.  The effect is lessened some due to the fact that we saw the diver smoking up before the chase began.  His reaction time is just too quick to be believable.

Dude, you just saw him take out your friends.  What makes you think you could possibly go head-to-head with Steven Seagal?  Is it the drugs?  It’s probably the drugs.

Aaaand the magic is re-introduced into the plot. He’s gotta kill the head Jamaican to prove his magic is stronger so they’ll leave him alone.  Thanks, Love Interest, for that timely information.

 My hair says I'm ready for anything, but my glasses say I take an intellectual approach to spontaneity.

This is a really well-coordinated attack involving bulldozers and fire.  These Jamaicans are an organized bunch.

My question is, will Steve recruit the help of the Columbians in his little vendetta?  I mean they were introduced for a reason, right?

The gearing up montage!  Perhaps the greatest of all montages.

And we’re off to Jamaica.  So much for that Columbian angle…

I really can’t wait for this movie to be over.  I’m pretty tired right now.

It’s pretty convenient that guy just happened to have a picture of Screwface’s ho.  Just saying.

Bitch comes on strong.  And Steve likes it!

Here we go with that magic crap again.  I’m guessing Screwface is a twin.  That’s how he can have “two heads and four eyes”.

Kaboom!

Damn, they just got the drop on Steve.  This is going to end badly.  For them.

Uh, that was rather anti-climactic.  But according to Keith David, it ain’t over yet.

Weird, my spell checker doesn’t recognize the word “ain’t”.

Fuck yeah, I’m reasonably good at interpreting none-too-subtle dialogue!  Twin all the way.

These guys are just coming out of the woodwork.  The body count in this movie is astounding.

Okay, now we come to the real fight.  Which is oddly reminiscent of Empire Strikes Back, but with more eye-gouging.

And we’re done.  I have to say, I think I over-thought this one.  I mean the Columbians had nothing to do with anything and that love interest didn't actually pan out.  She was just a convenient way for Steve to get some pointers on how to deal with magical drug lords.  And he didn't even have to touch her--he just asked politely.  Which is nice, but wholly unexpected.  And on the topic of magic, what the hell, magic?  Not an etic approach to the superstitions or rituals of the Jamaican community, which would have been much more interesting, but just straight-up magic.  Oh, Marked For Death, now I know why you weren't included in that Steven Seagal box set--you're just in a different, less sensible class than Under Siege 2 and The Glimmer Man.

Fucking magic.

Out for Justice

Admittedly this is not a horror movie, but any film that begins with Steven Seagal saving a puppy is worth a mention. Not one of the better entries in the Steve-a-thon in which my roommate and I engaged, Out for Justice features a pony-tailed Steve out for justice, avenging his best friend's murder. All the action takes place over one night as our hero, who sports a lovely chapeau, kicks ass and takes names all over Brooklyn while searching for a coked-up spree killer.

I love Steve as much as the next crazy person, but let's face it, he's no Olivier. His Italian is only marginally better than Tom Cruise's, and he should really ditch all attempts at putting on an accent. Unless it's southern. But still, no one can make mad face like Steve, or save hookers and beat up thugs with a cue ball. All the action, however, is lightly sprinkled throughout what might have been a mediocre police drama were it better written. Who cares if he was raised by wiseguys? And so what if his father died of a broken heart? Unless it directly relates to him dispatching bad guys in violent and creative ways, then I don't want to know about it.

I want what it says on the box: "He's a cop. It's a dirty job... But someone's got to take out the garbage."

I'm not even sure what that means. Sounds actiony.

Damn tag lines.