Sunday, 7 March 2010

Awesome(?) Keywords

Click to biggify.

There was this one time when I had to take stats.  It was horrible.  And this other time I had this job that was all about stats.  That was cool.  I guess what I'm saying is, market research is great when you're not the one making the phone calls.

Stats are used for tracking and analyzing all manner of things: youth culture trends; attrition of Pleistocene megafauna; popularity ratings on IMDB.  Me, I never had much use for numbers unless they were followed by depth readings or dollar signs.  That is, until I got Google Analytics.  Now I'm checking my stats every day, hoping that my referral traffic will outshine the search engines, and that I'll finally surpass Count Vardulon for hits (never gonna happen).

And about those search engines, lately I've been going over the keywords that have brought people to Zombots! and I've noticed something kinda funny: people type all kinds of weird shit into google.  With this in mind, I've combed through my keywords and selected the funniest, best, most disturbing phrases that pointed the Internet in my direction.

Movie-specific
"book of eli movie review on blogspot.com"
"why didn't jason kill whitney in friday the 13th"  (It's a good question, one I can't answer.)
"harpers island worst show ever"
"don't understand dark floors the movie"
"i don't understand the perfect getaway" (This appeared 4 times.)
"the plot of the film 'the holiday'" (I have no idea how this routes to Zombots! because I've never written about, or even seen, The Holiday.) 
"flames. flames. on the side of my face. burning. heaving movie" (This might be the best search ever.)

Movie-non-specific
"movie - people on an island getting murdered leaving clues"
"book report about horror movie"

Hehehe
"quest to destroy the machine ron pearlman"
"humongous nudity"  

Huh
"dan goodswen email totalfilm"

WTF?
"watchman fucks mistress"
"joining the nun school.com"
"christian book reviews"

Snuff
"sex snuff gore"
"alex has accident car and autopsy snuff "
"worst snuff child videos"
"immoral underages" (Or some variation thereof, appeared 4 times, including the website immoraluderage.com which I haven't visited and never will)

Worse than snuff
"rape scenes"

That's what I'm taking about!
"the divemistress zombots lady gag"

 Of the 455 keyword searches from the past year:
"snuff" yielded 94 visits, 82 keywords;
"zombots" yielded 59 visits, 4 keywords;
"lady gaga" yielded 24 visits, 17 keywords;
"sexual tyrannosaurus" yielded 2 visits, 2 keywords.

3 comments:

Andre said...

Well I am just appalled........... never seen The Holiday?! Every now and then you need a chick flick, plus I'm in love with Kate Winslet AND that little old man. AND little girls with British accents. Please get smashed and just watch it some night. Please?

Jonny Metro said...

Ha ha...these are awesome. I do the same thing at my blog from time to time. It seems people stumble across my blog two ways: looking for pornography, and trying to find out if "House of Leaves" was made into a movie.

--J/Metro

The Divemistress said...

Andre, don't get me wrong, I love a good chick flick and I have my favourites. It's just I never got round to The Holiday.

Jonny, I am always amazed by what people look for online. House of Leaves, really?